Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be large. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from area. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have One more put in which American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Every person a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is comfortable power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the making's Trump Tower Damascus gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium the place guests could ponder vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Local Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have change-down provider."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports propose:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Closing Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."